The Blog of iveseenitall

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was asked during a hike, on top of a mountain.  it was amazing!

i'm going to the doctor on wednesday morning to be put on anti depressants, anti anxiety pills, and sleeping pills.....boooooooooo.  i don't want them....but i need them.

this sucks.

first off i'd like to say heeellllooooo to everyone on EP.

I've been thinking the past few days....i spend too much time on the internet....so i'm thinking of deleting my EP account... i haven't officially decided yet though.

i just got out of the hospital yesterday, which i'm majorly excited out.  i loathe hospitals.  i always have and i always will.

i have to get a second job for the summer and i'm afraid i'm going to be working myself to complete exhaustion and utter destruction..  i'll be working at one place from 9 am to 10 pm then at another place from 11 pm to 7 am  and do the whole cycle over again....i don't know how i'm going to do it, but i have to.

Anyone know anybody who needs a wedding consultant?  i'm willing to travel to anywhere from florida to south carolina.  Please PM me.  that way i can only work the one job of being the wedding consultant!!

I hope everyone is having a great day today and every other day!!!  Drop me a line and let me know how you guys are doing!  Love you all.

Wow...it's over..it's finally over...I'm free..I'm free!!



But part of me doesn't like it.  I'm never going to wake up and see the same people everyday again...i'm never going to see the same teachers..i'm never going to be the same..



I've finally figured out who I am...granted it took me a while to do it...



I'm the good friend.  I'm the one everyone remembers as nice.  And I'm okay with that..



I'm the dork...and i'm okay with that too.



I think I definitely took these past 4 years for granted..but..maybe..the 4 years that you're in high school..you're supposed to take those years for granted..



Just look at how everyone changes:



Freshman year- It's a new place...you're the little fish in a big pond..you are naive and innocent..you walk through the hallways with absolute "awe" realizing you finally made it to high school...you never thought you would..

Sophomore Year-..It's okay now..you've had a year of experience..but you're still not fully aware of all the possiblities that are available in high school...you're still learning..some friends you were friends with last year..have changed completely..some you're still really good friends with..

Junior Year- You're almost done..this is supposed to be your most challenging year...college applications..harder classes..pressure..pressure from everyone..but at the same time..this year is also your "down" time...you know how high school works now..

Senior Year- You've waited 3 years for this...you're finally the "big dog" of the school..you pick on underclassmen because they have to still be there...but then...you're there still..then..christmas break comes..and you're saying..."where did the first semester go?"  Cap and gowns, graduation announcements..money from people you don't really know..(but hey..it's money..)..and you realize...you're graduating..it's just right around the corner..so close..you can almost reach it...you've grown up...you've been accepted into the college of your dreams..but you're still wondering.."where did all the time go?"  It flew by without the slightest acknowledgment of slowing down..you're waking up to a new life..one of freedom..senior year..is your last song..you can't believe it went by so fast...you're no longer naive and inncoent..but yet..you still are...



And like me...you think...I'm free...I'm free..



But part of you doesn't like it..



You're no longer sheltered..



You've found out who you are..



You've grown up..



You've discovered that you were a dork..but you're okay with it...

 

Well, I just read one of my friend's blogs and it made me think...haha which I guess is something I don't do very often..lol j/k..I'm always thinking..

1st issue- IMAGE.............yeah I said it.

You don't need to worry about what you look like.  You're perfect just the way you were made.  Your eyes aren't too small or too big.  Neither is your nose.  Your waistline is exactly right.  You're not too fat or too skinny.  Even down to your little toesies you're perfect just the way you are.  Don't let anyone else tell you any different. 

2nd issue- HIGH SCHOOL... here we go again..

High school is a place where you learn, right? Right. You make friends, you lose friends.  You pass a class, you fail a class.  High school helps you go on to college and that's about it.  In fact, most of the time, it doesn't really help you do that.  The environment is different there, you're COMPLETELY on your own.    You don't have to have the prettiest hair to be the most popular girl. Just be yourself.  No one else.

3rd issue-  GUYS....haha this should be good..

All girls ever think is that guys only want that size 2 barbie doll look.  But they don't.  In high school, they don't even know what they want.  They are trying to figure out what they want.  They want someone who is perfect for them.  And one day, they will realize, the prettiest girl in the world, won't hold a candle to someone mediocre with a great personality.  They'll figure that out..and they will do it on their own.  So leave them to it.  Don't try to look for a relationship during high school, that's just something no one needs to bother with..it's too much.

4th issue..and last issue..What Us Ladies want..lol

We basically want a perfect guy.  No we want the perfect man.  Problem is girls, he doesn't exist.  There is not ONE single perfect man.  There IS a perfect man for YOU.  One who will want to hold you, kiss you, love you, and hug you.  They want you for who you are and what you look like.  To them, you may be the most beautiful woman in the world.  In their eyes you can do no wrong.  That's how they will see you.  And I know that's what you want.  The perfect man for you will see that you're absolutely incredible, no matter what you say, do, or look like.  To them, you are perfect.  No matter what. 

Lastly, just remember to always be yourself.  Being proud of yourself and accepting who you are, and being happy with what you have, gives you everything in the world.  It doesn't matter if you were the nerd, the pretty one, or the jock.  As long as you be yourself, you can do nothing wrong.

What am I thinking? I just don't get what's going on inside my head..I think I'm losing my mind.



One second I'm thinking about how I couldn't be happier right at that moment..then all of a sudden.. I sort of tell myself, "you're not allowed to be happy, so stop it"



So I stop. I become sad again..and then happy again, and sad all over again.. Everyday this is how it goes on in my head.



It's the same with crying. I start to cry, and I'm happy I'm finally getting it all out, because I need to get it all out...but then I say to myself "No, you're no allowed to cry, you have to be everyone else's rock.."



Why do I have to be the rock? Why can't I allow myself to show emotions..? Is it really that hard to do? For me, it is..

I don't want to cry in front of people, I don't want people to see that I have a weakness..I'm supposed to be the rock for everyone else.



That's what I've become..a freakin rock. That has been the one goal in my life..BAM! goal #1 accomplished..



It's really not my goal at all, I want someone else to be my rock for once and let me get it all out, they can be there for me.. I don't know if I want to be there for them anymore.. I don't know if I can, or if I can handle it at all.



But I can be there, I can handle it. I'm supposed to be. FOR ONCE CAN I NOT DO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO????? ::slams head down on desk:: "stupid, stupid, stupid."



I have to do what I'm supposed to do, everyone expects that of me.. If I change, it'll shock them all too badly. It would probably shock them way to much.



I think....haha that's my main problem right there.."I think" I should stop thinking...but if I was to stop thinking I'd be dead. I honestly can't stop thinking, my brain would just die, because that's all I ever do..is think..

Anyway, I think, people have to have one person they know they can go to when they are upset, or happy...so they can talk to them..and that "one person" can be their "rock" or be their "shoulder to cry on"



All I want to have is someone say to me, is "I'm here..I'm your rock, cry on my shoulder, I'll always be there for you, no matter how you feel, happy or sad, I'm here. Cry in my arms, let all your pain go, don't worry about what anyone else thinks, just know I'm here for you.. No matter what emotion you show me I won't think about you any differently."



Yeah, that's what I want someone to say to me, and I want them to actually let me do it. It'll feel good. I'll be a better person for it.



Sometimes I promise myself that I can do things that I really know I can't. Like I promise myself, I'll start thinking I'm beautiful, or attractive in any way, but I can't. To those of you whom I've told I would try or am trying, I've lied. I know I can't ever do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying, and I'm sorry for being such a horrible person..



I'm truly sorry for being a horrible person, and I don't want anyone telling me that I haven't been, but I have been, maybe not to you, but to myself.



Lastly, this part is about, love.

Now, I'm smiling. Not just where you can see it..but on the inside. I've found my one true "soulmate." They really do exist.. I never thought that before, but I do now.



Now if you say that there is a true definition of love...there isn't...no matter how hard you try to find one, there's not one "solid" definition. It's everyone's opinion put into one. If I was to go around and ask random people what their definition of love is, that list would go on for so long, no one would want to read it. So my defintion of love, is that, it's what you honestly feel, you can't describe it with words, but with feeling and emotion. Love is un-definable. Love is your own opinion, no one else's, just yours. You know what love is when you feel it. It's different for everyone. But you do know, and you always will once you find your own definition.

i am feeling much better today.....other than still being sick....

i'm not as upset as i was the other day....i mean i'm still really sad about my dog and stuff...but i'm going to be fine....that was just a bad day for me because not only was my dog put down the other day, my brother called and told me they are shipping him off to iraq.....then my grandma called me and told me my granddad was having surgery...(he's okay now...) and then my dad called to tell me he was having problems with his heart again...(he had CHF...but he's alright now..)

but all in all today is a better day.....i've noticed though that as i'm getting older i'm crying over everything...over the stupidest things too....they other day someone gave me the "courtesy wave

 becuase i let them over into my lane...and i cried....all while sobbing..."thank you....thank you for giving me the wave..:sniff sniff::"  it was a crazy day...

oh well....at least today is better...haven't cried yet...which is good...

one of these days maybe i'll give you guys a posted blog worth reading or some of my other blogs that i've wrote before that are pretty good...

hope everyone is having a good day!

the mood extremely crushed doesn't even begin to describe how i feel right now...

my grandparents had to put my dog down......

i'm so sad because i feel like my dog was the only living connection i had left to my mom...

we got tyson as a puppy for my mom before her surgery before she died... after my mon died i took tyson so i could take care of her....almost 8 years later my dog is gone..

i know it's probably so stupid to feel this way over my dog...but she was everything....smart, sweet, and the perfect lab anyone could ask for.

i couldn't afford to have her at my apartment...so she was with my grandparents until i could....but she got really really sick and started attacking the other dogs at the house so my grandparents had to put her and the other big dog "nikki", down.

i feel honesty like shit and that i have nothing connecting my mom to me anymore.....and no one seems to understand...

as if i wasn't sad and depressed enough already...let's just add this to my damn plate....i don't think my heart can take anymore....

i'm sorry if any of you think me being so emotional over a dog is stupid....but like i said...i feel like this was all i had left...

she was my dog...goodness, i loved and still love my dog...

i feel like crap..and i hate the fact that i couldnt afford to have her here with me....i just feel so bad.

i can't even really explain it.

i've been nonstop crying all day and night..;..and i'm not one to cry....at all....but i can't seem to stop.

someone shoot me now. please.

maybe god will strike me down..one can only hope right now.

i had my first day of my new job today.  it was amazing....the girls i work with are wonderful.  and they laugh at everything...it's great.

i've never had so much fun at a job before...

i'm definitely looking forward to working there long term. it's going to be so much fun...

and since i had a good day....i plan on having a good night...

so i'm treating myself to a well deserved beer.

yay for me!