The Blog of iveseenitall

What am I thinking? I just don't get what's going on inside my head..I think I'm losing my mind.



One second I'm thinking about how I couldn't be happier right at that moment..then all of a sudden.. I sort of tell myself, "you're not allowed to be happy, so stop it"



So I stop. I become sad again..and then happy again, and sad all over again.. Everyday this is how it goes on in my head.



It's the same with crying. I start to cry, and I'm happy I'm finally getting it all out, because I need to get it all out...but then I say to myself "No, you're no allowed to cry, you have to be everyone else's rock.."



Why do I have to be the rock? Why can't I allow myself to show emotions..? Is it really that hard to do? For me, it is..

I don't want to cry in front of people, I don't want people to see that I have a weakness..I'm supposed to be the rock for everyone else.



That's what I've become..a freakin rock. That has been the one goal in my life..BAM! goal #1 accomplished..



It's really not my goal at all, I want someone else to be my rock for once and let me get it all out, they can be there for me.. I don't know if I want to be there for them anymore.. I don't know if I can, or if I can handle it at all.



But I can be there, I can handle it. I'm supposed to be. FOR ONCE CAN I NOT DO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO????? ::slams head down on desk:: "stupid, stupid, stupid."



I have to do what I'm supposed to do, everyone expects that of me.. If I change, it'll shock them all too badly. It would probably shock them way to much.



I think....haha that's my main problem right there.."I think" I should stop thinking...but if I was to stop thinking I'd be dead. I honestly can't stop thinking, my brain would just die, because that's all I ever do..is think..

Anyway, I think, people have to have one person they know they can go to when they are upset, or happy...so they can talk to them..and that "one person" can be their "rock" or be their "shoulder to cry on"



All I want to have is someone say to me, is "I'm here..I'm your rock, cry on my shoulder, I'll always be there for you, no matter how you feel, happy or sad, I'm here. Cry in my arms, let all your pain go, don't worry about what anyone else thinks, just know I'm here for you.. No matter what emotion you show me I won't think about you any differently."



Yeah, that's what I want someone to say to me, and I want them to actually let me do it. It'll feel good. I'll be a better person for it.



Sometimes I promise myself that I can do things that I really know I can't. Like I promise myself, I'll start thinking I'm beautiful, or attractive in any way, but I can't. To those of you whom I've told I would try or am trying, I've lied. I know I can't ever do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying, and I'm sorry for being such a horrible person..



I'm truly sorry for being a horrible person, and I don't want anyone telling me that I haven't been, but I have been, maybe not to you, but to myself.



Lastly, this part is about, love.

Now, I'm smiling. Not just where you can see it..but on the inside. I've found my one true "soulmate." They really do exist.. I never thought that before, but I do now.



Now if you say that there is a true definition of love...there isn't...no matter how hard you try to find one, there's not one "solid" definition. It's everyone's opinion put into one. If I was to go around and ask random people what their definition of love is, that list would go on for so long, no one would want to read it. So my defintion of love, is that, it's what you honestly feel, you can't describe it with words, but with feeling and emotion. Love is un-definable. Love is your own opinion, no one else's, just yours. You know what love is when you feel it. It's different for everyone. But you do know, and you always will once you find your own definition.